Loving someone with Anxiety is tough. Loving yourself with Anxiety is even tougher. Anxiety wreaks havoc on the people that it plagues. I find myself constantly evaluating everything I do and everyting everyone else says or does. Not only do I evaluate it but I analyze it and internalize it.
I find myself engulfed in an everlasting war. Life with anxiety is a daily battle. A battle to war against the lies within my brain. The logical side of me tells me that the intrusive thoughts are in fact lies but the emotional side of my brain where logic often fails tells me that the lies are truth.
When the battle becomes too intense I become overwhelmed and I end up in a place that can only be called an anxiety attack. At times I am able to use my tools and deal with this. However, there are other times where my defenses have been so lowered that I do not have the capability to deal with the thoughts and emotions that are now overwhelming me.
This usually leads to me becoming an overwhelmed, sobbing, hyperventilating mess. It is at this point where nothing within me has the capability to deal with what is going on. It is at this point that I have to somehow find the ability to reach outside myself and scream for help. These are the moments I hate my brain. The moments where I feel stupid and broken beyond belief
These are the moments I feel guilty for succumbing to the lies that my brain has told me. I feel guilty for not being strong enough to win today’s battle. These are the moments I question why my brain works this way and why can’t I just be “normal?” I do not know how to answer these questions. I feel like I should, but I do not.
I can tell you one thing for sure though, this war is exhausting. There are days where I can “deal” better, but other days where I will be snappy or do things that are typically outside my character. These are the days I am exhausted from the daily battle. Days where my brain tells me it is better to cut ties then to continue battling. This is life with anxiety, and I do not know if I will win this war, but for now, I am going to keep trying and fighting.
Gamer Girl 